Uncontrollable laughter leading into tense muscles into anger. Who/what am I angry at? There is no one here but me. For who wants ,comes a choice of selfishness & foolishness. I’ve been the fool since before I could process a thought so I suppose all that’s left is selfishness.
Whatsoever shall become of me, only I & the universe know I suppose. Not a care in the world for I have revealed the bigger picture to myself time and time again. Yet , I stumble occasionally. Stumbling doth not bother ME , but my ego says I should not stumble if I am to know what my endgame is. So, I battle. Others vibrations and voice permeate my universe and I am forced to retreat back to whence I came. Not from fear, but rather detachment. I was born of flesh and bone just as any man or woman but my mind wants not to be compared, confused or associated with others despair and disease. Born a man of responsibility and disadvantages I wish not partake in such trivial games of he said ,she said, they are doing this and I am doing that.
Which brings me to my quandary ? Am I really for peace? Am I for the sickness? People must learn on their own as I have learned. I have spent much of my history asking to be taught things I found of wonderful interest only to be shown I must do it myself if I am truly curious. But of course, So I will. Perhaps I am to be an ear , a vessel, a space to lean on, to speak at. Perhaps.
That word, selfishness, it appears again. Perhaps I am selfish and I wish for all things to end for I do not wish to join. Selfishness, possibly. I bounce between caring much too much and caring much to little. The way of the wandering shinigami, as I have created such a pattern and it is quite possible my pattern has betrayed me. I do still exist within a third dimensional space ruled by certain laws and karma.
Here is the uncontrolled laughter again. It hurts but it’s a pain I’ve created , so I can laugh through it because it is mine. Its silly, much like me.
Where have I gone? Was I ever really here to begin with? Will there be an end to the selfishness or what I believe to ‘ve selfishness? Could I give of myself endlessly and be what is needed for those who I believe are not of my kind? Not to say they are beneath me, that would be false but I just wish to be in solitude. A coward perhaps? Even that sounds wrong though it may feel right.
I wish to think on this a moment. For if I am to truly express myself it would require I become clear on what it is I am attempting to express. Foolish ,foolish, foolish. Here comes the laughter. This time it echoes all throughout the spectrum. No man,beast, creature can hurt me unless I give it permission to. Look at me , rambling. Forgive me. Please enjoy your stay in my home away from home. If you happen to get lost or wish to leave , my companion Minna will escort you back to your dimension.